I want to ask you something before we get started.

When you think about the last year of your life — the stress, the exhaustion, the moments where you felt completely invisible to yourself — do you know what was actually driving all of it?

Most of us know that we are drowning in stress through work, childcare/adultcare, difficult relationships or health issues, to name a few.

But, do you know what caused you to become overwhelmed by life and feel like you didn’t have the tools to help yourself get to a peaceful, calm place where you can think clearly? And be able to start problem-solving to get a plan to deal with the issues causing the stress?

Two years ago, I came to a place in my life where I knew I had to start making changes with my health, exercise, work life balance and responsibilities that I had taken on because….well, I needed to address them or my health would never be the same.

I have been reflecting on what I have learned in the last 20 years that caused me to get to the place where I needed to make some permanent grown-up changes to move on in life.

For me, it came down to three things. Three patterns I had been living inside of for nearly two decades before I finally saw them clearly.

Think about this scenario – What if you were sitting in a chair across from your younger self and she asked you for advice on what to do to help her problems go away (or most of them). What would you tell her?

If I could sit across from my younger self and hand her three gifts, they would be three life lessons that I realized had been the origin of so many causes of stress and burnout in my life.

If you embrace them sooner than I did, they will save you years of frustration and move you toward your reset that much faster.

Here they are.

Lesson 1. Stop Being a People Pleaser

A people pleaser is someone who consistently prioritizes others’ needs, often at the cost of their own well-being. This behavior goes beyond kindness, and it usually stems from a deep fear of conflict, rejection, or disapproval.

Origin of People Pleasers

Inconsistent or conditional love. If there was always a condition attached to having your parents love you or show affection, and it depended on good behavior, you learn to be a “good girl” and earn their love.

Had parents with mental health struggles, addiction, or volatile emotions. When there is fighting in the house and struggles with bi-polar behavior, alcohol/sex/drug addition, you learn to “read the room” quickly and try to do whatever you can to keep everyone calm. This becomes a very safe action for you.

Parents show criticism, ridicule, or punishment for having needs. By the time you learn that you have needs, you may already know that there is fear of getting punished if you don’t please someone and do what they say to avoid conflict.

You say yes too often

You feel guilty for practicing self-care and keep quiet to avoid conflict

You said “yes” when you wanted to say “no” again.

• People-pleasing often develops in childhood as a “fawn” stress response. The nervous system learns that keeping others happy and putting one’s own needs last equates to safety, connection, and avoiding conflict or abandonment. Practicing self-care sets off this alarm system, falsely signaling danger.
• Steps to break free of this pattern
  • Look in the mirror and practice saying what you want. Over and over. It could be something very simple – “I want to go to a yoga class at 6 pm”. This is easy but there might be work that gets in the way. If it is your work and your scheduling, then you can’t build resentment. But, if it is work that you said “yes” to, then you will need to practice saying no in a friendly way with minimal explanations. Your schedule is your priority and people don’t need a lot of explanation and, if they have healthy boundaries, they won’t ask too many questions.

Lesson 2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the invisible limits and rules that we establish to protect our physical, emotional, mental and financial well-being.

A boundary is something that you do or say that enables you to feel safe and calm. If you have healthy boundaries, you will feel less exhausted and stressed and able to feel better about yourself. A boundary is the ultimate act of self-respect. Because, if you respect yourself, then others will respect you and follow your lead.

Types of Boundaries

Relationship boundaries

These boundaries are making sure that you feel that you are being heard and appreciated. If you have had toxic or unhealthy relationships (e.g., narcissists), you have probably found that you lose yourself and can’t identify what your needs are because you have spent so much time taking care of their needs.

• When you are in a toxic relationship, it is difficult to acknowledge that the relationship is really one-sided. You have spent most of your time losing yourself and your identity, taking care of their needs, dealing with rages and temper tantrums and being blamed for everything. Or, you’re in a relationship with a friend who doesn’t ever reach out and you do all the work.
• Steps to break free: Identify the relationship for what it is and accept it without hope that there is any other outcome than something that is not good for you. Plan your exit strategy with care to ensure your safety. Make sure that you have family or friends who are safe and supportive of you. Maintain a No Contact boundary.

Financial Boundaries

Financial boundaries are limits that you set for yourself to spend certain amounts to not exceed what you earn and set aside money to either save and/or invest. When you have boundary issues, you may spend money to make yourself feel better when you’re stressed, sad, depressed and anxious. This puts you into a spending cycle where you get into debt and get even more stressed.

• Most people struggle with rules on money and spending and don’t like to put boundaries because it curtails their fun or they think they have control. Most people say yes to spending out of fear. Fear of missing out. Fear of hurting someone’s feelings.
• Steps to Break Free:
  • Get comfortable with your numbers and where you are right now. Say no to plans that don’t fit your budget. This may take a lot of strength from you and many 90 second pauses to say no. Dave Ramsey says “it’s impossible to build wealth when you are in a cycle of never-ending debt.”

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries are actions that you plan and take to make sure you are safe. It’s about defining your physical space and personal touch limits.

• Steps to Break Free: Utilize strong clear language signals that you don’t want to be touched. Communicate clearly about what personal space you will allow. State consequences if they ignore your signals – Push away or walk away.

Lesson 3. Stop Waiting For Permission

Based on your childhood, you have had a lot of autonomy to be able to make up your mind and give yourself permission to be adventurous and try new things, make mistakes without guilt and mature at normal phases of life.

Some people, like me and other people pleasers out there, were taught at an early age to stay quiet, wait to be told what to do and sometimes, chastised for making normal mistakes. This sets you up later in life to have stress and anxiety when you do want to step out of your childhood and find your identity.

“We repeat the same patterns, carry the same fears, make the same choices, see things the same way, just in different settings. We can move to a new city, start a new relationship, take a new job, but if we remain the same inside, we will continue living out our programming in a new environment. We carry the code with us.“

The goal for you to move forward in your life without asking permission is to change your mindset to one of allowing yourself to be free to choose.

• Find a way to get out of your comfort zone – Do something new that scares the hell out of you. I admit, when I first started this exercise, I picked something that scared me – I rode the roller coaster and I HATE ROLLER COASTERS. I was petrified. But, I can now say I have tried it and I have the freedom of choice and boundaries to say “I don’t like them and I don’t want to ride one again”. That’s my choice.

• Admit no one is coming to save you – This is called Adulting. This is admitting to yourself the childhood fantasy that no one is going to save you and validate your life choices and fix your mistakes.

• Stop saying to yourself that you’re not ready.

• STOP WAITING – DO THE WORK

Twenty years is a long time to learn three lessons. But here’s what I know: YOU don’t have to take that long. The patterns I’ve just described — people pleasing, weak boundaries, waiting for permission — they’re not character flaws.

They’re survival strategies that have outlived their usefulness. And the moment you name them, you have a choice. That’s where your reset begins. Not at perfect. Not when you feel ready. Right here, in this moment, with exactly who you already are.

If you’d rather watch than read: