About three months ago, in the fall, I was asked to host a family function in November and I said “Sure”. Without thinking about it. Without giving myself time to see if I even had the time or resources to get it done.

My calendar was full, my energy was low, and I was already stretched too thin. Not to mention that I don’t even have space to host that many people.

And then, the second I said yes, resentment set in. Anger at myself and the person asking me. Followed by guilt for feeling resentful.

In addition, I have spent a lifetime of raising my kids and being there for them and helping them solve their problems and doing a lot for them. It was only when I embarked on my exhaustion and burnout towards self-care that I realized that I was way overdoing it. You would probably call me a “helicopter mom.” It sounds terrible when I write it but the meaning behind it is so telling to what we do to ourselves when we don’t say no.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Here’s what I have learned: Guilt isn’t the problem — Conditioning is.

Most of us – especially high-achieving women – were taught that saying no makes us selfish, difficult or unkind and caring. We learned that our self worth is tied to our usefulness. That “good women” don’t disappoint people. Not too mention that it is just habit, in general, that we have built a lifetime of expectations that we women can do everything.

So, guilt shows up every time we try to set a boundary. It whispers “who do you think you are to put yourself first and worry about your own health and needs?”

But, here’s the truth: Guilt is not a reliable guide for decision-making.

Let me explain why you feel guilty and how to stop letting it control you.

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines guilt as a self-conscious emotion, which it describes as reflecting on one’s self-worth or self-value. It’s “characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.”

Reason #1: You Were Taught That Saying No Is Selfish

Most women were raised with messages like:

• You’re too aggressive or bossy when assertive – (I’ve been hearing this my whole life). I was once told by my boss when I spoke up on a conference call with 50 people that I should not speak up because that was aggressive behavior.
• You’re not committed to your family – when you work full-time. Even with the large amount of dual-career couples, I still hear that a woman should stay home and take care of the children. Not all the time, but the expectation is still out there.
• You’re being too sensitive or over-reacting – I heard this over and over when I challenged my husband’s family values and traditions over what I wanted to do with my family.
• You should be able to do it all – Work, cook, clean, child-rearing, taking care of parents, etc.

These aren’t just suggestions – they are deep conditioning. “You’re just like me and most people on the planet who suffer with deep guilt whereby we not only feel that we are a problem – that our mere existence is a burden – but also that we are somehow wrong, bad or sinful for wanting to be happy, well and truly loved.“

You internalized them so young that saying no now feels morally wrong, even when it’s the right choice.

THE TRUTH: Saying no isn’t selfish. It’s self-respect.

Selfish means taking what’s not yours. Saying no is protecting what IS yours – your time, your energy, your peace.

If someone calls you selfish for having boundaries, they benefited from you not having time.

Reason #2: You Equate Your Worth With Your Usefulness

High-achieving women are especially vulnerable to this one. Psychologists have observed that women conditioned to prioritize others may “gradually lose connection to their inner emotional world,” leading to exhaustion, numbness, and identity erosion (Korhonen, Komulainen, & Okkonen, 2020)

You’ve spent your life being capable, reliable, the person everyone turns to. And it feels good — UNTIL IT DOESN’T.

But here’s the dangerous believe underneath – “It I’m not useful , I’m not valuable”

So when you say NO, it feels like you’re proving you don’t matter. That you’re not needed. That people will leave and find you unimportant to their lives anymore.

So you say yes – even when it costs you everything – because their disappointment feels unbearable.

THE TRUTH: You can’t live your life trying to prevent other people’s disappointment.

People will be disappointed sometimes. That’s not YOUR failure – it’s not your problem or responsibility how someone reacts to you saying no.

I found this quote when I was researching for this post and it spoke to me – “Some people are upset with you because you’re not suffering the way they thought you would”. How many friends or relatives have exhibited this kind of behavior towards you?

You are valuable because you exist. Not because you solve everyone’s problems.

People who only value you for what you give them — don’t actually value YOU.

Reason #3: You’re Afraid of Disappointing People

This is the big one.

You don’t want to let anyone down. Kate O’Brien LCAT says “You’re afraid of upsetting people because of deep-seated reasons like past experiences (critical family, emotional neglect, high expections which breeds perfectionism), low self-esteem, social anxiety, fear of conflict or a need to control situations/people’s happiness.” 

So, you say yes – even when it costs you everything – because their disappointment feels unbearable.

THE TRUTH: You can’t live your life trying to prevent other people’s disappointment. Remember – you can’t control someone’s reaction to you saying no. In the beginning, saying no is difficult. I know, I put my foot down over and over again like a broken record when it would have been easier to say yes. But, I would have been selling myself short and making a ton of work and unhappiness for myself.

People will be disappointed sometimes. That’s not your failure – it’s part of being human.

Here’s a secret that no one tells you – WHEN YOU SAY YES TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT FROM OTHERS, YOU ARE SAYING NO TO YOURSELF. YOU’RE DISAPPOINTING YOU!

How long are you willing to disappoint yourself to keep everyone else comfortable?

Reason #4: You Believe Boundaries Will Cost You Relationships

And….they might.

This fear runs deep: “If I set boundaries, they will leave”.

I have a long-term friend that I have known for over 40 years. Our kids grew up together. Went to the same school, same church. We were both career women living in a neighborhood who frowned on working moms. We banded together and had a good friendship over the years. Or so I thought.

It took me years to realize that I was the one who was always reaching out – calling to try to put a lunch or dinner together and calling on the phone to talk. It wasn’t until a few years ago where I had started an inventory of my friends and realized that I was doing all the work with her that I needed to take care of me. So, I put up a boundary which was — waiting for her to reach out and set something up to meet up with me. Basically, I told her that I realized that we were both busy and that I would wait to hear back from her when she had time. Anyone know what happened?

She never called to set something up. I realized that I wasn’t getting anything out of the relationship and I was doing all the work. This boundary I set up cost me a relationship. But, I really didn’t miss it….because I had been living with a myth that we had a give/take relationship. By the way, she and I are still friendly but, from a distance.

Here’s what you need to know – Relationships that can’t survive your boundaries aren’t healthy relationships.

Healthy people respect limits. They adjust. They appreciate your honesty.

Unhealthy people escalate. They guilt-trip. They make you the problem.

THE TRUTH: Boundaries don’t push people away. They reveal who was only there for what you could give them.

And that’s painful……….but also clarifying. And then you know where you stand.

Final Thoughts – How to Stop Letting It Control You

So, now you understand WHY the guilt shows up. But how do you actually stop letting it run your life?

• Name the guilt when it shows up. “I notice that my boundary I set made me feel guilty.” Don’t fight it, don’t judge it. Just notice it. Naming it takes away some of its power.
• Ask yourself: Is this guilt or conditioning? Real guilt happens when you’ve actually done something wrong – hurt someone intentionally, violated your own values, acted out of alignment. But most of the time, it is not real guilt. It’s conditioning. Ask yourself – Did I actually do something wrong by saying no? Or do I just feel bad because I was taught to always say yes?
• Separate your emotions from your responsibility. You are not responsible for managing others’ disappointments. They’re allowed to be disappointed. Or they are allowed to be angry because they are used to dumping guilt on you. You are allowed to have boundaries.
• Reframe the narrative. Old thought – “I’m being selfish for saying no.” New thought – “I’m being responsible for my own well-being.”

Your Practice This Week

Say no to ONE thing — even if it’s small.

Maybe it’s:

• “I can’t stay late at work today”
• “I’m not available this weekend”
• “I need to pass on that project”
• “I can’t make the call today”

Notice when the guilt shows up. Name it. And hold your boundary anyway.

Want More Support?

Download the free The Balance Reset Personal Boundaries Playbook – Complete with scripts, strategies, and an action plan to start setting boundaries this week. [Get it here >]

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Warmly,

Danna Campbell – Creator of The Balance ResetTM Method